Dating in my 20's

I wait for the train and a looming ‘delayed’ sign is displayed on the board. ‘Mind the step’ rings across the platform, today I need the reminder, my eyes are heavy and my body is thinly pushing through.

I’m swinging between a state of acceptance and rejection. My thoughts are like a leaking water bottle, and I’m desperately trying to twist it shut. 

There is nothing like the fight for validation after a break-up; hearing the words you’ll never find anyone who loves you like I did  leaves a bitter chill, especially when meeting someone new. It begs the question, am I likeable? The cycle is gruelling.

I can’t do casual, I’ve never been able to, my love can start from ashes and grow into fire in a matter of minutes. I’m learning to take love less seriously, or at least minimise romantic connection as a priority and stamp of success in my life.

As I sit longer in the decade of my 20s I see the benefits of being single, but also the pain of being alone. Not that the two things are mutually exclusive but perhaps that I can’t decipher the difference. I am someone who has spent the entirety of my teens in a relationship and navigating who I am outside of that context, let alone the person I’m with, is complex.

It’s a journey I’m grateful to finally be on steadily-ish teaching me how to be better. I look forward to the day I’m secure in my singleness and my rejections. 

For now, I’ll take these emotions with me, until I find a safe place to let them go and let me be.